The Republican Evolution: 25 Reasons Old People Go Red
/by Alex Lee
Images Via NICHOLAS Arteaga/Flickr, Vince_Lamb/Flickr; Modified by Maximum Middle Age
This slide into conservatism seems unavoidable. There are millions of retirement-age people emerging as America's population grows older. One reporter named this phenomenon "the silver tsunami," and if prior elections are any indication, the older generations consistently vote Red. Let's examine why.
1. I'm living off of my retirement savings, so don't destroy my nest egg.
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2. I need a better economy so I'll pay less in taxes and I can splurge at Denny's.
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3. I watch daytime television six days a week and all the crooks on Law & Order: SVU are brown.
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4. My cat tells me how to vote in each election.
5. The doctor tells me these pills might help my joint pain, but Fox News definitely tells me that illegal immigrants are definitely what's killing America.
6. God is in my TV box.
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7. I have always had a secret longing for blonde news anchors, and Gretchen listens to me without rolling her eyes.
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8. OMG. I almost drove straight through the door of the Dollar Tree. I'm going to write my Congressperson to help me with that.
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9. Look at this asshole. He probably calls his mother every other weekend like a good son. But that's okay, I'll just sit here in the dark with my thoughts contemplating where I went wrong with you.
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10. I just saw another commercial for an RFID fanny pack. Fox News knows my fears.
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11. OMG I almost slipped in the shower for the 98th time this month. I hope our elected officials can keep titanium hip replacements affordable.
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12. Look, if you're not going to call me like the good child I raised, then I have no choice but to blame it all on the gays.
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13. Have I gone senile yet? Thanks, Obama.
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14. Everybody screaming on Jerry Springer has a facial piercing
15. Everybody dancing on Maury Povich has a tattoo. I just know it.
16. I'm kind of afraid of dying right now and I really need to get into heaven so I have to stop supporting abortions, okay?
17. Florida has such bitchin' retirement communities. Life is easy.
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18. Back in the day, I listened to Hamburger Helper rap. Now the Republican party has adopted it as their campaign theme song. I love that song.
19. I'm so tired. What time is it? 6:45?!? It's past my bedtime. I'll see you at 4:15 a.m. Life is easy.
20. I lived through the <insert 45 minute tirade of old people doing something difficult a long time ago> so I know how to do the things. You kids have it so great these days. You know you can CALL me with that phone of yours once in a while...
21. Democrats eat grass and drink kale. Republicans eat steak and drink single-malt. My time on this earth is short.
22. My bridge partner's third, no second, cousin was neighbors with Mitch McConnell's aunt. We won yesterday.
23. This is reason number 23. Have you called your mother yet?!
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24. Really, I'm doing my best to make a better future for you - just as I have been ALL YOUR LIIIIIFEEEEE.
25. I got mine, fuck you.
Alex Lee is a 45-year-old father of two and was THIS close to becoming a doctor. He loves science, drums, making cakes of his best friend, and liberalism. He is also a full-time IT Specialist and part-time Technical Writer.